Rethinking Kinks

Have you ever changed your mind about a kink? Thought you liked something and it turned out you didn’t? Thought you didn’t like something and it turned out you did? What do you think made you flip?

(This month’s /r/dommebloggers topic was submitted by Dommeluck and selected by me.)

It took a while after reading this question before I found my answer. I happened to be taking this quiz (http://bdsmtest.org/, recommended by Domina Jen) that tells you what percentage of different kinks apply to you, and I kept answering “strongly disagree” to questions about wanting to battle for dominance or having to make your sub submit. Instinctively, I just felt like it wasn’t my thing. But when I got to the end results and read the description of a Brat Tamer, I liked the sound of it. Even though this was the kink that those particular questions were leading to.

I guess the idea stayed in my head, because a few days later I was mulling it over again. My instinct was to say no, it doesn’t appeal to me, because I consider myself the kind of dom who likes to nurture rather than discipline—I like to call him a “good boy,” not a “bad boy.” But what I realized is that there’s an area somewhere in between that I also like, where a sub acts out in a teasing way, just to be frustrating. I’ve always been weak to mischievous boys. When they get that glint in their eye and that uber confident playfulness, I can’t resist. So if he’s being a brat just to stoke my flames, then I find it incredibly hot. What I’m not a fan of is the kind of play where I have to force him to submit when he doesn’t want to. Key in the idea is that it still has to be clear that he wants it, even within the scene, and he’s acting out just to get to me. I like mischief, not resistance.

So I guess I do like the idea of “making” a sub submit, after all. As long as it’s in this context. When there’s a mischievous boy involved, I’m there.

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Idols & Archetypes

In The Ultimate Guide to Kink, Midori talks about “classic icons of sexy dominant women” (pag. 594) in film, literature, mythology and pop culture – not dominatrices per se, but figures like Marlene Dietrich, Cleopatra, or Lilith. Are there any such ‘powerful’ or ‘dominant’ female characters or archetypes that you admire, or take inspiration from? What resonates with you about them?

(This month’s /r/dommebloggers topic was suggested by solumbrava.)

While no specific classic figure comes to mind, there is a certain archetype of woman that inspires me. It’s a type that I project dominance onto, partly because of my past experience seeing dominants of this type, and partly because it’s one that I connect with personally.

In brief, it’s the quiet, confident type. She has power and control, but she doesn’t have to battle for it. She’s reserved and even silent most of the time. She’s content with herself and what she has, and it produces a calm, even demeanor. It’s not that she can’t show emotion, but her stability means that her emotions are in check.

Most of the time, she doesn’t even have to give verbal commands. Her authority is understood, and her submissive naturally compliant. And it’s not from any fear of retribution. In fact, there may be a gentleness to her. But the submissive’s respect and desire keep him firmly in line. The dynamic ends up being more of a natural order between two people, and less of a purposeful construction.

There’s just so much power in not having to exert it.

I’m sure this type exists in all media, but the examples I think of most are in Japanese animation. This type of female character tends to be around boys who are nervous and shy with women. In harem anime, where the male main character is often the one being pursued (another topic for another day), she’s often one of the love interests, but her pursuit is less of an action and more of a presence. She’s not the one hanging off his arm, but the one sitting at the back, who makes him blush when he looks her way.

And I think that gets to the crux of it too. The type I like is dominant not in action but in presence. Something as simple as her gaze makes him want to shrink back and submit, more than harsh words ever would. It’s power without force.

I both identify with and aspire to this type. I don’t like to aspire to something I’m not—rather, I identified a pattern in the women I find sexy, and I noticed that they have traits that I value in myself. When I say I aspire to it, I mean that I hope I can fully embrace these qualities when it comes to being a dom and interacting with a partner. And I hope to find a partner whose energy feeds into this type.

Sexiness & Desire

As part of the /r/dommebloggers group, I wanted to address this month’s writing prompt, regarding sexiness and desire:

As women, we hear a lot that to be “sexy” means being desirable/desired. But if we’re doing the desiring (or even the up-against-the-wall kissing!), is there still room to feel “sexy”? Or maybe you think of being “sexy” and being desirable as two different things? How do you like to know that your partner desires you, and how do you like to express your desire for them?

(This month’s topic was suggested by solumbrava. You can read part 1 of her answer here.)

It’s true that as a dom who likes touching more than being touched, I’m much more focused on a sub’s sexiness than my own. If I’m touching him and having my way with him because he’s too cute, I’m not thinking about myself. I’m expressing my own desire.

But there’s still room for sexiness, and the way I understand it for myself is to imagine that a boy submits not just because it’s in his nature, but because he’s aroused by me. That means not just by looks, but by personality, demeanor, and my ability to turn him on with my actions. When I think of my own sexiness, I think of being on top of a boy and seeing the glazed look in his eye as he looks up at me. I imagine him wanting my body and my energy to consume him. That’s what “sexy” means to me.