Rethinking Kinks

Have you ever changed your mind about a kink? Thought you liked something and it turned out you didn’t? Thought you didn’t like something and it turned out you did? What do you think made you flip?

(This month’s /r/dommebloggers topic was submitted by Dommeluck and selected by me.)

It took a while after reading this question before I found my answer. I happened to be taking this quiz (http://bdsmtest.org/, recommended by Domina Jen) that tells you what percentage of different kinks apply to you, and I kept answering “strongly disagree” to questions about wanting to battle for dominance or having to make your sub submit. Instinctively, I just felt like it wasn’t my thing. But when I got to the end results and read the description of a Brat Tamer, I liked the sound of it. Even though this was the kink that those particular questions were leading to.

I guess the idea stayed in my head, because a few days later I was mulling it over again. My instinct was to say no, it doesn’t appeal to me, because I consider myself the kind of dom who likes to nurture rather than discipline—I like to call him a “good boy,” not a “bad boy.” But what I realized is that there’s an area somewhere in between that I also like, where a sub acts out in a teasing way, just to be frustrating. I’ve always been weak to mischievous boys. When they get that glint in their eye and that uber confident playfulness, I can’t resist. So if he’s being a brat just to stoke my flames, then I find it incredibly hot. What I’m not a fan of is the kind of play where I have to force him to submit when he doesn’t want to. Key in the idea is that it still has to be clear that he wants it, even within the scene, and he’s acting out just to get to me. I like mischief, not resistance.

So I guess I do like the idea of “making” a sub submit, after all. As long as it’s in this context. When there’s a mischievous boy involved, I’m there.

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Idols & Archetypes

In The Ultimate Guide to Kink, Midori talks about “classic icons of sexy dominant women” (pag. 594) in film, literature, mythology and pop culture – not dominatrices per se, but figures like Marlene Dietrich, Cleopatra, or Lilith. Are there any such ‘powerful’ or ‘dominant’ female characters or archetypes that you admire, or take inspiration from? What resonates with you about them?

(This month’s /r/dommebloggers topic was suggested by solumbrava.)

While no specific classic figure comes to mind, there is a certain archetype of woman that inspires me. It’s a type that I project dominance onto, partly because of my past experience seeing dominants of this type, and partly because it’s one that I connect with personally.

In brief, it’s the quiet, confident type. She has power and control, but she doesn’t have to battle for it. She’s reserved and even silent most of the time. She’s content with herself and what she has, and it produces a calm, even demeanor. It’s not that she can’t show emotion, but her stability means that her emotions are in check.

Most of the time, she doesn’t even have to give verbal commands. Her authority is understood, and her submissive naturally compliant. And it’s not from any fear of retribution. In fact, there may be a gentleness to her. But the submissive’s respect and desire keep him firmly in line. The dynamic ends up being more of a natural order between two people, and less of a purposeful construction.

There’s just so much power in not having to exert it.

I’m sure this type exists in all media, but the examples I think of most are in Japanese animation. This type of female character tends to be around boys who are nervous and shy with women. In harem anime, where the male main character is often the one being pursued (another topic for another day), she’s often one of the love interests, but her pursuit is less of an action and more of a presence. She’s not the one hanging off his arm, but the one sitting at the back, who makes him blush when he looks her way.

And I think that gets to the crux of it too. The type I like is dominant not in action but in presence. Something as simple as her gaze makes him want to shrink back and submit, more than harsh words ever would. It’s power without force.

I both identify with and aspire to this type. I don’t like to aspire to something I’m not—rather, I identified a pattern in the women I find sexy, and I noticed that they have traits that I value in myself. When I say I aspire to it, I mean that I hope I can fully embrace these qualities when it comes to being a dom and interacting with a partner. And I hope to find a partner whose energy feeds into this type.

Sexiness & Desire

As part of the /r/dommebloggers group, I wanted to address this month’s writing prompt, regarding sexiness and desire:

As women, we hear a lot that to be “sexy” means being desirable/desired. But if we’re doing the desiring (or even the up-against-the-wall kissing!), is there still room to feel “sexy”? Or maybe you think of being “sexy” and being desirable as two different things? How do you like to know that your partner desires you, and how do you like to express your desire for them?

(This month’s topic was suggested by solumbrava. You can read part 1 of her answer here.)

It’s true that as a dom who likes touching more than being touched, I’m much more focused on a sub’s sexiness than my own. If I’m touching him and having my way with him because he’s too cute, I’m not thinking about myself. I’m expressing my own desire.

But there’s still room for sexiness, and the way I understand it for myself is to imagine that a boy submits not just because it’s in his nature, but because he’s aroused by me. That means not just by looks, but by personality, demeanor, and my ability to turn him on with my actions. When I think of my own sexiness, I think of being on top of a boy and seeing the glazed look in his eye as he looks up at me. I imagine him wanting my body and my energy to consume him. That’s what “sexy” means to me.

Reverence and Giving Up Control

I discovered something about my position towards submissive boys, and it is very much linked to my recent post on alternatives to dominance.

There’s a certain class of boys (perhaps arbitrarily defined by me) that fill me with a kind of reverence. I want to make an analogy with religion, though I don’t want to offend anyone. So let me just say that this is purely a metaphor and should be taken with a grain of salt. But really the most accurate way for me to explain my experience is to say that I just feel like I worship submissive boys. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I want to express it in some way. I need to pay my tribute and get it out of my system. It feels like the only response that will sate me. Ultimately, I just want to kneel at the altar of submissive boys and give myself over completely.

Giving myself over may seem to distort the dominance/submission dichotomy, but I’m learning to ignore that. Or, even better—learning to enjoy when the lines are distorted. And in this case, I think it’s explained by the dominant/top distinction. I still want to be on top with a cute submissive boy, but even in doing so I definitely feel like I may not have the control all the time. And I’m totally okay with that. The same lust that makes me want to take charge also leaves me powerless to what I desire.

It’s an almost submissive response, and I wonder whether I feel it because it’s just tied to the idea of admiration, or if it feels powerful to me because it’s such a departure from the dominance I usually relate to. Perhaps in my mind it makes a bigger statement than anything else I could do, and that’s why I like it so much.

I really want to embrace this idea to fullest, because this feeling of worship defines me, in some way. It’s one of the strongest desires I experience. And because of that, I consider it part of my identity. Which makes expressing it all the more important to me. I haven’t fully figured out how, other than running this blog and writing erotica, but I enjoy looking for new ways.

I’m interested to hear any thoughts you may have about giving up control, about reverence, or about a strong feeling that you consider a core part of you.

Submission Without Dominance?

Ever since I created this blog, I’ve been exploring other sexuality blogs here on WordPress, and loving how much I’ve learned about the current state of D/s and others’ ideas and terminology. It’s at the cross-section of linguistics, psychology, and sexuality, so how could I not love every minute of it?

The thing that’s been most interesting and most revolutionary to me in my reading is exploring the idea of “dominance.” I’ve realized that dominance as a concept is not actually that important to me when it’s able to be extracted from “submission.” What I mean is that what I really, truly like is submission, and I enjoy dominance primarily as a way to be on the other side of that. But in a world where I can enjoy a boy’s submission without being dominant towards him, it’s not so important to me. I’ve been latching onto it because I’ve seen it as the other side of the coin, but maybe it doesn’t always have to be.

In educating myself about this line of thinking, I came across—well, I came across many things I didn’t understand, then things I disagreed with, followed by many things that truly fascinated me—and the best, most profound thing to my mind was the last line of this paragraph:

“And my point is, if our environment weren’t designed to train rapists […] no one would see anything special or ethical or fun about domination, even people who think submission is sexy. Because, bluntly, Submission’s where the magic happens.” [originally from maybemaimed.com, which no longer exists]

I don’t know how much I agree with the first part, but I’m including it for context. Frankly, “Submission is where the magic happens” perfectly encapsulates everything I’ve been trying to understand about myself lately. I know it’s what turns me on, but I know I’m not submissive, so where does it fit in? For me, that’s it: it’s where the magic is. It’s everything about my desires that makes me passionate about sexuality. And what this paragraph got me thinking about is where my lust is located.

Really deconstructing it, I see that when I try out a dominant thought in fantasy, my satisfaction comes from the resulting submissive feeling in my potential partner. I think of it like a chain of events. The dominant thing triggers the submissive feeling, and that triggers my satisfaction. It does not come immediately from the dominant thing. It’s an important distinction, and I’m glad to be on this thought path now, because it helps me understand myself that much better.

If submission doesn’t require dominance, then what other roles can a partner take opposite submission? Facilitator? Leader? What if facilitating submission requires dominance? Is that distinct from being dominant? It’s fascinating to me and I intend to explore the idea.

I do want to say this: I don’t fully stand on either side of the judgments on dominance that I’ve found, and I don’t know nearly enough to have an ultimate opinion on this. This is particularly true because I’m not in the BDSM community and I also lack D/s experiences. What I do know is that my ideas about it have evolved a lot over the past year, and that “dominance,” as it exists both in practice and in theory, continues to be a subject of interest to me. I’m not shedding the label so much as I’m stepping back from it a little, so that I can see where I want to use it and where I don’t.

Sex: The Main Event?

In analyzing the scenarios that turn me on most, I realized recently that I’ve been trying to make the idea of intercourse the focus when in reality, it’s not my meat and potatoes, so to speak. I’ve already mentioned here that I’m not into conventional penetrative sex, but even pegging, which I would enjoy and be comfortable with, doesn’t seem to be my absolute priority.

I do like seeing or imagining sex between two people who want it, but when it comes to me, I’d much rather fantasize about making out with a boy and feeling him up. I am more intrigued by the subtleties and the build up. For me, that build up is everything. I seem most taken with those acts that might be considered foreplay, or teasing. Give me all of the things that stimulate and make him crave release. Instead of sex, let me watch him play with a vibrating plug. Or let me edge him until he can’t take it anymore.

Well, I guess you could say I have a certain hunger that is better sated by more indulgent activities.

But I also think I’m just drawn to alternative ways to express or satisfy sexuality (if you couldn’t already tell). It’s not a conscious decision; it’s just that the alternatives seem to resonate louder in my mind.

Another reason might be that my brain perceives sex as a more forceful act. It’s very difficult for me to imagine topping a guy if I don’t know him well, for instance. I would need to know his desires and his mind before I would be comfortable doing that to him.

In addition to non-sex acts, I prefer when clothes stay on. There might be occasions where I want to see nakedness, but on the whole I find clothes 10x hotter and more comfortable to imagine. I guess to my mind, a clothed version of a person is more himself, and sexual acts with clothes on are more in the realm of normal life, which I find erotic. Supercharging a normal situation with an erotic feeling emphasizes it even more. Whereas seeing someone stripped down to bare is an incredibly intimate thing that I may only see myself wanting if I have romantic feelings for a person, and it doesn’t figure into my general lust.

Which brings me to the question of whether this is true outside of fantasy. Honestly, I’m not sure. It may be. Perhaps I simply feel like sex requires more of a connection between two people, at least for my tastes, and so it may have its place for me in a relationship but it’s just not the star of my fantasies. Either way, knowing what I do like will certainly help guide me in a relationship.

It’s one thing to suspect all of this, as I have for a while, but putting it into words and accepting it frees me up to imagine things that do satisfy me. I’ve started to enjoy exploring other focuses and trying to let my mind roam without giving it a direction. The results have already been surprising, and it’s making me really excited about exploring these alternatives. I’m a big supporter of taking a moment to ignore expectations, labels, and frameworks, and to look at a thing for what it really is.

Posting Status

I realize I’ve been on a sort of accidental hiatus for the past five months or so. A combination of new job and new classes have kept me away, and on top of that I’ve been navigating a relationship and trying to figure out whether it will work for me. It’s been taking up quite a lot of brainpower. I guess the problem with knowing what you want is that it’s harder to attain it. Maybe it makes it easier to search for, but it’s harder to be satisfied with what you find.

I’m excited to resume more regular posting soon. It’s not that I ever planned to stop, but being away for so long has reinforced how important this outlet is for me.