Sex: The Main Event?

In analyzing the scenarios that turn me on most, I realized recently that I’ve been trying to make the idea of intercourse the focus when in reality, it’s not my meat and potatoes, so to speak. I’ve already mentioned here that I’m not into conventional penetrative sex, but even pegging, which I would enjoy and be comfortable with, doesn’t seem to be my absolute priority.

I do like seeing or imagining sex between two people who want it, but when it comes to me, I’d much rather fantasize about making out with a boy and feeling him up. I am more intrigued by the subtleties and the build up. For me, that build up is everything. I seem most taken with those acts that might be considered foreplay, or teasing. Give me all of the things that stimulate and make him crave release. Instead of sex, let me watch him play with a vibrating plug. Or let me edge him until he can’t take it anymore.

Well, I guess you could say I have a certain hunger that is better sated by more indulgent activities.

But I also think I’m just drawn to alternative ways to express or satisfy sexuality (if you couldn’t already tell). It’s not a conscious decision; it’s just that the alternatives seem to resonate louder in my mind.

Another reason might be that my brain perceives sex as a more forceful act. It’s very difficult for me to imagine topping a guy if I don’t know him well, for instance. I would need to know his desires and his mind before I would be comfortable doing that to him.

In addition to non-sex acts, I prefer when clothes stay on. There might be occasions where I want to see nakedness, but on the whole I find clothes 10x hotter and more comfortable to imagine. I guess to my mind, a clothed version of a person is more himself, and sexual acts with clothes on are more in the realm of normal life, which I find erotic. Supercharging a normal situation with an erotic feeling emphasizes it even more. Whereas seeing someone stripped down to bare is an incredibly intimate thing that I may only see myself wanting if I have romantic feelings for a person, and it doesn’t figure into my general lust.

Which brings me to the question of whether this is true outside of fantasy. Honestly, I’m not sure. It may be. Perhaps I simply feel like sex requires more of a connection between two people, at least for my tastes, and so it may have its place for me in a relationship but it’s just not the star of my fantasies. Either way, knowing what I do like will certainly help guide me in a relationship.

It’s one thing to suspect all of this, as I have for a while, but putting it into words and accepting it frees me up to imagine things that do satisfy me. I’ve started to enjoy exploring other focuses and trying to let my mind roam without giving it a direction. The results have already been surprising, and it’s making me really excited about exploring these alternatives. I’m a big supporter of taking a moment to ignore expectations, labels, and frameworks, and to look at a thing for what it really is.


4 thoughts on “Sex: The Main Event?

  1. With regard to clothes:
    I have a strong CFNM fetish: clothed female, naked male. My wife goes along with it mostly because she is “always cold”. My guess is that it’s been several months since my wife has been fully nude during sex play. Sometimes she will come without panties but most times, she is in her PJs and I remove the pants and her panties to pleasure her. While I kiss and grope her breasts, it’s been a long time since I’ve actually seen them. On the other hand, I like to be fully nude, or perhaps only wearing a skimpy thong. The dynamic of me being naked and her clothed pushes me into more submission, which I love. Even long before we were married, I always preferred looking at women that were clothed as opposed to being fully nude, for example, I prefer a woman in a bikini to being fully nude. I guess that element of mystery excites me.
    Do you like your partners to be fully clothed, like in a work uniform or suit, or more like a Speedo minimalist approach?
    With regard to sex being the main event:
    I think we as humans go through stages. Just a few months ago, I probably only penetrated her once or twice a month. During that time, I fingered her in a way that a cock can’t do. She loves this, and comes really hard this way. But so far this year, she has asked for more penetration by my cock, she comes while applying the vibrator to her clit and then has let me come a few moments later. It seems like we are going to be doing this way more. My orgasms are usually a little better if she give me a handjob, mainly because I like the loss of control. And we have certainly experimented with male orgasm denial, which really turns me on a lot.
    One thing that has surprised me a lot about my sexuality is that for me the journey is more important than the destination. I get an awful lot of pleasure just from being sexually excited, from being vulnerable to her. I don’t really “need” to orgasm to have a satisfying sex life. But I do “need” her to climax.

    • I hadn’t thought about CFNM in relation to this, but that’s a great point. I would definitely enjoy being clothed even while he’s naked, and I love the aspect of domination and submission that comes into it. I would love to find a bf who feels that way and gets off on it.
      I actually like both a lot. I do prefer him fully clothed, because I just like the look of people clothed and I also love reaching under clothing. Especially into pants to touch underwear. But I like the idea of just underwear as well, for sure. Reaching into them to tease & play. And I have a weakness for just sliding them down but keeping them around his legs, to get to what I want.

      I can see what you mean about stages. I know I do have moods and preferences at different times. And it’s very interesting to me how these stages evolve with a relationship.
      I’m not sure whether this is that, though. It may just be an overall preference. There was never a time when I was really into imagining sex for myself. Only for erotica. But I do acknowledge that with a compatible partner, this could change.

      I completely understand what you mean about the journey being more important than the destination. I’m that way too. And I’ve come to realize how passionately I feel about it. I think I would have a hard time in a relationship where orgasm is always the end goal, no matter which party it’s for. (That said, I also completely understand the deep desire to have your partner climax, way beyond the desire for yourself. And it’s definitely interesting that we both feel this way, despite being on different sides of the domination coin, so to speak.)

      Thanks for your reply :). I always really appreciate your thoughts and comments.

  2. The main event, I was feel, should be the Female Orgasm. The Female Orgasm is the most important part of any sexual encounter – it is the shared experience that both parties benefit from the most.

    Nothing can beat the Female Orgasm. All men should always strive to give their Female partner as many Orgasms as she can handle – as many as she wants. In contrast, the male orgasm is a lesser priority – the main purpose of the male orgasm is procreation. If procreation is not the desired result, then the male orgasm should be disregarded and to a large degree avoided as a pointless exercise. Without the driver of procreation, the male orgasm is merely a selfish act which only benefits the male. This is the key difference between the two.

    Whereas the Female Orgasm is a shared experience to be enjoyed by both partners, the male orgasm has no such character and is merely a selfish release for the male.

    There is a great post on the elevated importance of the Female Orgasm at this well-respected and well-regarded website I encourage all readers to read up on.

    • Both your comment and that link were very interesting reads, and I thank you for them. I’m not completely in line with all of the ideas, but they are good food for thought.

      I know that I, as a woman who likes to be the giver of pleasure, value the male orgasm a lot. Bringing someone else release is a different kind of pleasure, and often more satisfying than your own, regardless of gender. That said, I’ve also been growing more and more as a fan of orgasm denial, and I agree with how it describes the effects. But these effects apply to women as well. So often, extending that sexual tension is just more pleasurable than release. So while I very much agree with the spirit of these ideas, I’m less inclined to think of them as gender exclusive, one way or the other.

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