Knowing What I Want

I want to speak to the title of my blog for a moment.

The source of it is primarily the fact that, when it comes to my sexuality, I have very concrete ideas about what I like, and what I’m looking for. It’s a solid and unwavering part of my identity, and it has been my rock. What’s more, I’m such a self-reflective person that I do feel incredibly in tune with my wishes, and I run my life in an independent and self-driven way. The confidence and independence evoked by this title do represent this part of my core. And as a dominant, it’s especially relevant.

But, inevitably, because I question everything, I came to wonder whether it would be disingenuous of me to use this title for myself. In certain aspects of my life, applying this phrase would be laughable. To the girl who spends a solid two minutes wondering whether to have chai tea or earl grey? The idea’s absurd. Why do I get to claim this title when I get so paralyzed by indecision that other people often have to bail me out? What kind of fraud am I?

I’m not bold, or loud, or bossy in everyday life. I don’t even think I’d describe my personality as “strong.” I’m certainly not vain. I’m not assertive, or a natural leader. Not extroverted. Not ambitious. I know my title probably evokes all of these things, and none of them are true. I’m a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, not a Gryffindor or Slytherin.

And what about all the time I spent trying to figure out how exactly my desires would translate to a relationship? That’s certainly not “knowing.” But wait—that’s absurd, because the title of my blog is not Has Always Known What She Wants, Since the Beginning of Time. Of course there’s a process of self-discovery, of organizing thoughts, and of educating myself about ideas.

I realized that it’s all just insecurity talking. Ultimately, nobody knows what they want in every aspect of their lives, all the time. As a writer and reader of literature, I know that such a character would be called out as unrealistic. And so, even though there are probably women who know what they want even more completely than I do, the important part—what’s important to this blog—is that my sexuality allows me to claim this title for myself, and to own it.

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6 thoughts on “Knowing What I Want

  1. Well, it’s funny. I AM loud, bossy, and often extroverted, and I can switch to submission in about 15 seconds, depending on the right person, of course. No one is all one thing, no matter how Dom-ly they may wish to appear. You are the person who defines you. As whatever the hell you please.

      • I so identify with this great post. I dither through life, having trouble making the most minor of decisions (such as, which out of two pairs of virtually identical black knee boots I should wear; that kind of stuff has consumed weeks, months, probably years of my life in total). But a chance to jump on some willing participant and do ‘stuff’ to them and I’m like a laser guided missile. Bizarre…!

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