Knowing What I Want

I want to speak to the title of my blog for a moment.

The source of it is primarily the fact that, when it comes to my sexuality, I have very concrete ideas about what I like, and what I’m looking for. It’s a solid and unwavering part of my identity, and it has been my rock. What’s more, I’m such a self-reflective person that I do feel incredibly in tune with my wishes, and I run my life in an independent and self-driven way. The confidence and independence evoked by this title do represent this part of my core. And as a dominant, it’s especially relevant.

But, inevitably, because I question everything, I came to wonder whether it would be disingenuous of me to use this title for myself. In certain aspects of my life, applying this phrase would be laughable. To the girl who spends a solid two minutes wondering whether to have chai tea or earl grey? The idea’s absurd. Why do I get to claim this title when I get so paralyzed by indecision that other people often have to bail me out? What kind of fraud am I?

I’m not bold, or loud, or bossy in everyday life. I don’t even think I’d describe my personality as “strong.” I’m certainly not vain. I’m not assertive, or a natural leader. Not extroverted. Not ambitious. I know my title probably evokes all of these things, and none of them are true. I’m a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, not a Gryffindor or Slytherin.

And what about all the time I spent trying to figure out how exactly my desires would translate to a relationship? That’s certainly not “knowing.” But wait—that’s absurd, because the title of my blog is not Has Always Known What She Wants, Since the Beginning of Time. Of course there’s a process of self-discovery, of organizing thoughts, and of educating myself about ideas.

I realized that it’s all just insecurity talking. Ultimately, nobody knows what they want in every aspect of their lives, all the time. As a writer and reader of literature, I know that such a character would be called out as unrealistic. And so, even though there are probably women who know what they want even more completely than I do, the important part—what’s important to this blog—is that my sexuality allows me to claim this title for myself, and to own it.

Sex Act Symbolism

I’ve always been interested in how people interpret different sex acts. So much of sex is power play—and even when you’re actively trying to take the power out of it, its influence is there, making you act against it. Either way, it’s persistently relevant. So which acts give power to whom, and why?

For the longest time, I considered giving head to be a submissive act. When I came across semes (tops) in yaoi manga blowing their shy, embarrassed ukes, I was always taken aback. Isn’t that the uke’s job? I suspect my reaction stemmed partly from gender roles and dominant men making submissive women perform it on them. But I know that’s not the whole picture, because even a man performing cunnilingus on his girlfriend seemed submissive to me. I think the biggest key is in the fact that I viewed the dominant one as the one receiving physical pleasure.

It was actually one such manga that flipped the switch for me. Because it was a favourite and I understood the characters so well, I could understand their motives in taking these roles. I came to understand it as serving another purpose. In driving a partner to orgasm, there’s so much control and intimacy. Lusting after his body and being able to give him head simply because I want to is an indulgent and incredibly satisfying thought. Now I can fully see it either way. I think this was actually a big turning point in understanding what I might like for myself. When I started to think about having control over my partner’s release as a dominant act, my imagination ran free. I love the idea of bringing him to orgasm—for my own sake. To cause such a vulnerable reaction is a very intimate and dominant experience for me. His orgasm and lust are what sate me. And as a dominant, I would have equal control in having him perform it on me, if I so chose. Oral sex to me is a very versatile way to play with power.

Another act I want to bring up is penetrative sex. This is an interesting case for me. Not having any interest in receiving it, I feel biased in thinking of it with penetrator as dominant and penetrated as submissive. However, I know that doesn’t have to be the case. I truly do understand that. Plenty of dominant women enjoy vaginal penetration from their submissive men, and it means something different to them than it does to me. In this case, it’s simply because I can’t put myself in that headspace that I interpret it this way. My view of power here is not a belief, but a feeling.

I think a simple principle might be that whatever role the dominant wants is dominant, but it just isn’t easy to want certain things when there’s a precedent, and that’s what makes such a principle more complicated: it’s true, but easier said than done.

What do you think? Are there any sex acts you have interpreted differently at different times in your life? What are your views on some of the ones I did or didn’t talk about?

I Like That

I’ve talked a lot about how I’m oriented, but not much about what I’m attracted to. Since my desires are just as much a part of who I am as my labels are, I wanted to do a post about what I like. Plus, sometimes when I’m reading academic articles about D/s I wish I got more examples of attraction—I feel like it would better help me figure out what labels apply to me. With that in mind, here’s an overview of what like.

Aesthetically, I have a type. Boy, do I have a type. I became a fan of yaoi manga during my most formative sexual years (and the genre remains important to me, despite its problems) so it’s perhaps unsurprising that I’m most attracted to boys who look like traditional ukes (bottoms). Small build, maybe even scrawny, androgynous, youthful, clean-shaven. Shorter than me is nice. Lithe and lethally cute. I’m by no means closed-minded about dating boys that don’t fit this description, but it’s definitely my type.

I do have some clothing fetishes, too. I like a certain amount of cross-dressing: mini skirts, panties, and thigh highs, mostly. Maybe some stilettos. It’s not about “forced feminization,” and it’s not humiliating in any way. It’s just damn sexy to me. It definitely goes hand in hand with my love of androgyny. Not to mention, I have a bit of a thigh fetish, and zettai ryouiki plays to my weakness. Another big clothing fetish of mine is oversized sweaters or shirts paired with only some underwear. Think “boyfriend shirt” style—but on him. Long sleeves to the knuckles. Divine. (Too bad I almost never, ever, ever see this on boys. Where’s all the male kare shirt, I ask you?)

What’s most important, though, is how he behaves. “Pliable” is often the word I use to describe to myself how I like a guy to act. I like if he turns to putty in my hands and lets me mold him. I like him letting me have my way with him because he’s just so damn cute I can’t resist. I like him being noisy when I kiss and touch him, letting me know in every way how submissive he is. I like when he can’t get a proper thought out and can only pant instead. I like being handed the reins on his pleasure. Just thinking about it sends me to heaven.

It all comes down to a certain submissive energy that I’m attracted to. I almost want to call it an “aura.” Outside of that aura, it doesn’t matter whether he’s talkative or meek or anything else. Personality can vary a lot. What I’m drawn to is that pliable energy in boys. It’s my kryptonite.

What do you like, as a dom? Hit me up and we’ll talk about how hot submissive boys are. 😉 Or maybe you like the same thing in girls.

What about as a sub? Does any of this sound like you? If so, please—tell me you exist!